PARENTS: 20 Discipline Mistakes All Moms Make

Bad Parenting Habits


Because we’re always parenting our children, it
takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively. Good
intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can
leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we
thought much about it. Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the
best-intentioned, most well-informed moms, along with practical
suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in
one of these situations.






We Forget to Help

The
temptation, when our kids begin to get out of control, is to demand
that they “stop that right now.” But sometimes, especially in the case
of small children, they actually may not even be capable of immediately
calming themselves down. That means that you may need to step in and
help them make good choices. The first step is to connect with your
child—with both words and nonverbals—to help him understand that you’re
aware of his frustration. Only after this connection will he be prepared
for you to redirect him toward making better choices.










We Don't Nurture


It
really is possible to be calm, loving and nurturing while disciplining
your child. In fact, it’s very healthy, and even important, to combine
clear and consistent boundaries with loving empathy. Don’t underestimate
how powerful a kind tone of voice can be as you have a conversation
with your child about the behavior you want to change. Ultimately,
you’re trying to remain firm and consistent in your discipline, while
still interacting with your child in a way that communicates warmth,
love, respect and compassion. These two aspects of parenting can and
should coexist.










We're Too Rigid


Consistency
means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids
know what we expect of them. It doesn’t mean maintaining an unswerving
devotion to some sort of arbitrary set of rules. So at times you might
make exceptions to the rules, turn a blind eye to some sort of minor
infraction or “cut the kid some slack.” Remember, too, that we often
need to wait before responding to misbehavior. When our kids are out of
control, that’s not the best time to rigidly enforce a rule. When the
child is calmer and more receptive, he’ll be better able to learn the
lesson anyway.










We Talk Too Much


When
kids are reactive and have a hard time listening, we often need to just
be quiet. When we talk and talk at our upset children, it’s usually
counterproductive. We’re just giving them a lot of sensory input that
can further disregulate them. Instead, use more nonverbal communication.
Hold them. Rub their shoulders. Smile or offer empathetic facial
expressions. Then, when they begin to calm down, you can bring in the
words and address the issue on a more verbal, logical level.









We Forget to Teach

The
goal of discipline is not to make sure that each infraction is
immediately met with a consequence. The real goal is to teach our
children how to live well in the world. But many times we discipline on
autopilot, and we focus so much on the consequences that they become the
end goal. So when you discipline, ask yourself what your real objective
is. Then find a creative way to teach that lesson—possibly even without
consequences.










We Forget the 'Why'


Any good doctor knows that a symptom is only a
sign that something else needs to be addressed. Children’s misbehavior
is usually a symptom of something else. It will keep occurring if we
don’t address our kids’ feelings or their subjective experiences that
lead to the behavior. The next time your child acts out, put on your
X-ray glasses and look through the behavior to see whatever feelings—curiosity, anger, frustration, exhaustion, hunger, etc.—might be causing it.







We Shut Down Emotions

You
know better than to directly tell your son that he shouldn’t be upset.
But when he reacts intensely when something doesn’t go his way, do you
ever immediately shut down that reaction? We don’t mean to, but parents
can often send the message that we don’t want to interact with our kids
or be with them when they have negative feelings. Instead, we want to
communicate that we will be there for them, even at their absolute
worst.










We Overreact


When
we overshoot the mark with our discipline—when we’re too harsh or
punitive, or we react too intensely—our children stop focusing on their
own behavior and focus exclusively on how mean or unfair they feel we
are. So do whatever you can to avoid building mountains out of
molehills. Stop the misbehavior and remove your child from the situation
if you need to. Then give yourself time to calm down before saying much
so you can be at your best when you respond. Then you can keep the
focus on your child’s actions, rather than your own.












We Don't Repair


There’s
no way we can avoid experiencing conflict with our kids. It’s going to
happen, sometimes multiple times per day. What’s most important is that
we repair the breach in the relationship as quickly as possible, most
likely by offering and asking for forgiveness. By repairing as soon as
we can in a sincere and loving manner, we model for our children a
crucial skill that will allow them to enjoy much more meaningful
relationships as they grow up.










We Lecture Too Long


Want to turn your kids off? Explain something,
then keep making the same point over and over. Want your kids to listen
to you better? Be brief. Once you address the behavior and the feelings
behind the behavior, move on. Don’t give any extra attention to the
negative actions or interaction.










We 'Supersize' Punishments


Sometimes
our pronouncements can be a bit “supersized”: “You can’t go swimming
for the rest of the summer!” In these moments, give yourself permission
to rectify the situation. Obviously, follow-through is important or
you’ll lose credibility. But you can be consistent and still get out of
the bind. For example, give your child one more chance to make a good
choice. The “one more chance” card can’t be played too often, but if you
maintain clear boundaries in the situation, there’s nothing wrong with
saying, “I didn’t like what you did, but I’m going to give you another
try at handling things the right way.”











We Consider Onlookers

Most
of us worry too much about what other people think, especially when it
comes to how we parent our kids. But it’s not fair to your children to
discipline differently when someone else is watching. In front of
in-laws, for example, the temptation might be to be harsher or more
reactive because you feel that you’re being judged as a mother. So
remove that temptation. Pull your child aside and quietly talk to him.
Not only will this keep you from worrying how you sound to the others in
the room, it will also help you get better focus from him, and you can
better attune to his behavior and needs.








We Become Trapped in Power Struggles


When
our kids feel backed into a corner, they instinctually fight back or
totally shut down. So avoid the trap. Consider giving your child an out:
“Would you like to get a drink first, and then we’ll pick up the toys?”
Or negotiate: “Let’s see if we can figure out a way for both of us to
get what we need.” (Obviously, there are some non-negotiables, but
negotiation isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of respect for your
child and her desires.) You can even ask your child for help: “Do you
have any suggestions?” You might be shocked to find out how much they
are willing to bring about a peaceful resolution to the standoff.










We Fall Back on Habits


We
sometimes lash out at our child because we’re tired, or because that’s
what our parents did, or because we’re fed up with his brother, who’s
been acting up all morning. It’s not fair, but it’s understandable.
What’s called for is to reflect on our behavior, to really be in the
moment with our children and to respond only to what’s taking place in
that instant. This is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting, but
the more we can do it, the better we can respond to our kids in loving
ways.










We Embarrass Our Kids


When
you have to discipline your child in public, consider her feelings. If
possible, step out of the room, or just pull her close and whisper. This
isn’t always possible, but when you can, show your child the respect of
not adding humiliation to whatever else you need to do to address the
misbehavior. After all, embarrassment will just take her focus off of
the lesson you want to teach, and she’s unlikely to hear anything you
want to tell her.










We Assume the Worst


Sometimes a situation looks bad and it really is.
But sometimes, things aren’t as they seem. Before lowering the boom,
listen to your child. He may have a good explanation that’s not readily
available. Obviously, you can’t be naïve, and any mom needs to wear her
critical-thinking cap at all times. But before condemning a child for
what seems obvious at first blush, find out what he has to say.









We Can Dismiss Our Child's Experience

When
a child reacts strongly to a situation, especially when the reaction
seems unwarranted and even ridiculous, the temptation is to say
something like, “You’re just tired” or “It’s not that big of a deal.”
But statements like these minimize the child’s experience. It’s much
more emotionally responsive and effective to listen, empathize and
really understand your child’s experience before you respond. Even if it
seems ridiculous to you, don’t forget that it’s very real to your
child, so you don’t want to dismiss something that’s important to him.








We Send Nonverbal Cues


Crossed arms. Rolling eyes. A wink at another
adult in the room. Even if our words are expressing interest in what our
child is saying, there are plenty of ways our nonverbals betray us. Pay
attention to what you’re communicating without saying anything at all.










We Defer to 'Experts'


By “experts,” I mean authors and other gurus, as
well as friends and family. It’s important that we avoid disciplining
our kids based on what someone else thinks we ought to do. So fill your
discipline toolbox with information from lots of experts (and
non-experts), then listen to your own instincts as you pick and choose
different aspects of different approaches that seem to apply best to
your situation with your family and your child.

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